Lookin’ for Love

Interesting…I completely forgot I’d written this post (APR’14) and never published…

Talk about an oldie but a goodie!  The song was made popular with the hit movie Urban Cowboy and the lyrics ring true on more than an emotional level – with this part of my journey – inviting you Behind the Mask, looking for love is at the crux of my barriers – physical, emotional, and spiritual.

heartsI was lookin’ for love in all the wrong places
Lookin’ for love in too many faces
Searchin’ their eyes, lookin’ for traces
Of what I’m dreamin’ of

While the song may be speaking of finding that special someone, the pattern I seem to repeat in different ways is seeking to fill a void reserved for God alone. Quizzed, intellect dictates my response.  Carefully observed, my beliefs – rather unbeliefs shout an opposing view far louder than any intellectual response.  My guess is quite a few folks can readily identify with this conundrum.

A couple of years ago, God revealed a pattern of me seeking affirmation from a potential life partner – talk about a painful realization! While the root cause was obvious and I truly desired a change – time revealed the truth: A: I didn’t permanently give it to God.  B: I’m powerless to change myself.  Of course, now that I’ve journeyed through some pretty rough pitfalls, it’s easier to recognize certain behaviors – in the moment though? I didn’t have  a clue – I was too busy trying to drive the direction of my life!  You see, masks have a tendency to limit the view – a broader perspective – and as a result, I often missed diligently looking to God for the answers.

Oh how easily & seamlessly I push God out of the driver’s seat! The places we look for human love to fill what only God can…not just in a life partner, but in a job, friendships…you name it! I wonder if I wrote this last year just after I realized I’d been searching to fill that void with my job…affirmation…yes…circling again and again around worthiness.

Is my mask more transparent today compared to this time last year? Definitely.  Is there still work to be done? Absolutely. God so gentle – so merciful…the closer He draws us to Him (light) we always see much clearer than before.

Behind the Mask

For months (and months) Romans 12:1 has been on my bathroom mirror…

“…in view of God’s mercy, offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.”

While I’m sure this verse can be interpreted many ways, to me it’s about transparency – is what’s on the inside apparent on the outside?  Often perceptions can be  skewed if we rely only on what we see physically.  However, more often than not, we rely on physical sight alone.

For many years, I’ve been overweight.  My physique can be perceived in many ways –

she doesn’t take pride in herself…

What are you hiding from?

What are you hiding from?

she has no self-control…

if she would only exercise…

does she look in the mirror????

I could go on and on, but you get the idea.  The real question? What is she hiding from? If you’ve read my testimony, the answer is easy – rejection.  To varying degrees, I have placed my value in the affirmation of others – I have circled that mountain many times, but each time God brings me closer and closer to Him.  I’m moving beyond intellect to belief .

Join me on this part of my journey as I seek God’s courage to tear down the physical barriers and allow Him full restoration access.