One of my primary goals in writing for 31 consecutive days is transparency… so here I am… being transparent. I REALLY did not want to write this evening… I did exactly what I wrote about in my last post… thinking too far ahead (or perhaps behind…) of the posts to come… and I didn’t want to go there.
Well, of course I wrote…reminding myself of baby steps…two sheets of paper at a time… the great thing is that I was able to recall some really hard decisions and have peace over them vs my usual “could I have done more” mental interrogations.
And yes, that’s where God and His gracious healing power comes into full view… because of those hard days and seemingly impossible decisions, I was learning to receive God’s glorious embrace and willingly take refuge in Him… if only for a short while… make no mistake though, He was teaching me how to lean into Him for the days too difficult to imagine.
I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised how easily my eyelids start to get heavy after writing, but I do! Perhaps a little sugar will give me the boost I need…I have this thing for powdered donuts – I always have – tasty little messy morsels that should have a slogan similar to Lays potato chips – you can’t eat just one!
OK… Back to the task at hand…writing…once my dad started getting into a routine, things seemed to start smoothing out – while every visit was still a learning experience, the days of him begging me to take him home soon faded and he actually seemed to start enjoying himself! For a fairly small guy, I have no idea where he put all the food…as difficult as it was to get him to eat before the move, he actually started looking forward to meals and always had an appetite for dessert.
I have to tell ya, I quickly developed a deep appreciation for caregivers – I was so thankful my dad had the foresight to purchase a long-term care policy. Assisted living facilities are costly and would otherwise drain savings in no time. Even if I didn’t have a full-time job, I still can’t imagine taking on the responsibility of daily care. It was far more than general oversight – it was very much like having an adult sized toddler that was regressing on a daily basis.
it was truly a blessing to have my dad nearby so that I could zip over to visit on my way to work or on my way home. Some days…especially rough days, I could peek in on him – that little bit of reassurance he was ok did wonders for my spirits! Ever so slowly, the overwhelming emotions began to even out…just in time for the tide to turn…
I’m so glad you’re joining me on this journey! While I have no idea who these words are for or how they may help, I know this process isn’t all about me.
While going back through the weeks leading up to my dad’s move wasn’t the same tumultuous roller coaster of emotions as it was the first go-round, it still had a bit of a sting…however, writing one small piece at a time helps make the memories less overwhelming. There’s a part of me that wishes I’d been able to write during this timeframe, but I couldn’t – being honest, I was barely hanging on…I felt like I had a fingernail’s grasp over the daily chaos and if I slowed down to process emotions through writing, I might fall apart. I was trying, but not completely trusting God to see me through this storm.
And as hard as these days were, it was only the beginning and I’m truly thankful I didn’t have a clue just how much harder the days would become.
I did it again… I fell sound asleep waiting for the image to upload! I woke up around 2am…lights on… iPad and notebook in lap…a jar full of markers at my side… glasses on… as if I’d closed my eyes for a few seconds vs few hours…
Once upon a time I would’ve rushed to add a few notes, hit “publish” and call it good…check it off the list.
Sunday’s writing isn’t so much about events of 2013 as it is God’s faithfulness – how He provides peace during the storms of life… I am continually taken aback by how much God loves us… it’s so BIG!
22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
Beautiful, isn’t it?????
And although this should have posted on Sunday, perhaps it’s a great way to start the work week…the often crazy, chaotic work week…every single day is a new day – a day filled with opportunities and possibilities – even a day with struggles that seem insurmountable…but God IS there…we will not be consumed by this world…wait for Him.
Golly…even though I have a pretty decent idea of what I will be covering in my next post, sometimes I’m still amazed at the direction God decides to take and tonight is a great example!
When I left off yesterday, I briefly mentioned my dad making comments that he would “just kill himself” and didn’t elaborate on the reasons why that statement sent me into panic mode.
I mean, sure…anyone threatening to harm themselves is cause for serious concern, right? So it was easy to sort of gloss over my reaction – then tonite it was as if God was saying, “not so fast little lady…”
So I pulled back the covers of my life to share a little deeper…believing God will use it to reach someone somewhere and give them hope.
Suicide…dealing with thoughts of, or an actual attempt, are completely out of my league… what I do know though, is that there are folks waiting & willing to help – you only need to reach out – that may seem like a monumental task, but call out to God – He will meet you right where you are – no matter how deep the mess – and He will see you through – lean into Him for courage and strength to ask for help…call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-SUICIDE
I was so pleased when I set out to write earlier today…I accomplished my goal, but here it is late again…I wrote, but didn’t sit down to post until now. Perhaps this is the way it should be? Time will tell!
I started the post with an update about my stepdad…strokes are scary…to me, they’re sort of like a tornado. So often they hit without warning and the effects range from a scrape to total devastation. My stepdad’s stroke was far from mild, but it could have been far worse. I think one of the things I was most grateful for was that his clarity of mind stayed in tact. As you will see a bit in this post and then much more clearly in the posts to come, witnessing the loss of memory & comprehension firsthand with someone you’ve spent a lifetime getting to know is heartbreaking…you know that person still exists and yet you are lost to them.
For me, understanding the effects of dementia and/or Alzheimer’s wasn’t something I could simply read about – like so many life lessons: having a baby, being married, getting a divorce, going through chemo, etc., I had to experience it up close and personal.
If you are reading this and dealing with a family member or friend affected by dementia or Alzheimer’s, please know YOU ARE NOT ALONE! And all those emotions are OK. There are no easy answers, but others have walked (or are walking) this same road – I encourage you to reach out. Whether it’s a friend, a professional counselor, or a support group, God is faithful! He will put people in your path to help guide you through this season.
Let’s see if I can get this posted without falling asleep first!
I’m trying not to spend too much time reading back over previous posts…I glimpse just long enough to see where I left off the day before…otherwise, my mind would gallop into edit/analysis mode and defeat the purpose of simply writing as a recollection of events. Of course, when God ah-ha moments jump out at me, I try to point them out with proper glory credit to God!
In so many ways, I still often feel like my relationship with God is still at the infancy stage, so when I have one of those standout moments with Him, I try to dig a bit deeper than normal. The hours leading to meeting with my dad at his house, and then during our conversation about why the doctor didn’t believe he was safe to stay at home by himself…that precise moment when God pressed on my heart the one word… GO…and I immediately knew that’s exactly what had to happen…no mental debate as to whether that’s really what should happen… I’d asked God to make a way, and indeed he did!