One of my primary goals in writing for 31 consecutive days is transparency… so here I am… being transparent. I REALLY did not want to write this evening… I did exactly what I wrote about in my last post… thinking too far ahead (or perhaps behind…) of the posts to come… and I didn’t want to go there.
Well, of course I wrote…reminding myself of baby steps…two sheets of paper at a time… the great thing is that I was able to recall some really hard decisions and have peace over them vs my usual “could I have done more” mental interrogations.
And yes, that’s where God and His gracious healing power comes into full view… because of those hard days and seemingly impossible decisions, I was learning to receive God’s glorious embrace and willingly take refuge in Him… if only for a short while… make no mistake though, He was teaching me how to lean into Him for the days too difficult to imagine.
Tonite I wrote a bit about the Walk to Emmaus – I can’t say enough great things about this experience! It is for EVERY believer, regardless of where you are in your faith journey. If you’d like to read more about the Emmaus Community and retreats in your area, click here
…whoops! I did it this time…fell sound asleep last night!
Isn’t it interesting how our focus and perspective can be so narrow nothing gets in or so broad everything gets in and it all becomes a blur? How do we find the right balance? It’s delicate to say the least, but one thing I’ve discovered to be true time and again is that when I’m truly focused on God, as difficult as life may be, the pieces fall together. The catch is becoming truly focused. Far too often I find myself, well…for lack of a better description, trying to supervise God. Dang…that never sounded as rough in my head, but typing those words? Ouch. It’s true though…even if my intentions are good it’s far too easy to push Him out of the driver’s seat…what I call the 2yr old “I can do it myself” approach. And that’s exactly what you will see in the upcoming posts…when craziness collides…
Short ‘n sweet on the commentary tonite! As you’ve read, 2014 was far from uneventful, but I kept plugging along… determined to persevere… determined to meet expectations on all fronts… determined not to faulter…
Let me tell ya from experience… determination is only one piece of the puzzle. Determination, or as I often claimed perseverance, will only get you so far if you’re trying to do things on your own…if you leave God on the sidelines instead of letting Him lead the way. Most often you will find yourself worn thin, discouraged, & desolate. There’s a reason why Jesus said,
“Come to me and I will give you rest—all of you who work so hard beneath a heavy yoke. Wear my yoke—for it fits perfectly—and let me teach you; for I am gentle and humble, and you shall find rest for your souls; for I give you only light burdens.” Matthew 11:28
We were not made to carry these burdens on our own – we so desperately need a savior!
Here I am…droopy eyed as usual….this is infusion week so often the fatigue is a bit more amplified than usual. If I keep moving (fingers & thoughts!) I’ll be just fine. I’m sure it would make a whole lot more sense to simply write earlier, but there’s something about the end of day for me that just works.
Today instead of writing about painful/challenging memories, I decided to write about those memories that are more sweet than bitter. These stories aren’t meant to mock my dad’s mental state – quite the contrary… you’ve heard the saying “you’ve got to laugh to keep from crying” – well, there’s a lot of truth to that statement! And honestly, when I recall my dad’s last year, I’d much rather think of his innocent mischief than agitated outbursts he couldn’t possibly control.
One more thing… this afternoon I was thinking about all the home caregivers out there – the individuals that for a good part, have put their personal lives on the back burner to care for someone in need. A significant sacrifice, that most days doesn’t feel like a sacrifice at all. But don’t kid yourself, everyone….I mean every single one needs help – they need a break – they MUST take time to refuel. If they don’t? EVERYONE loses in the long run. This was a lesson I didn’t want to learn – not because I didn’t need a break – because I feared falling apart so completely nothing of me would be left to move forward. That’s where God really steps in…and that’s where I’ll pick up tomorrow.
I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised how easily my eyelids start to get heavy after writing, but I do! Perhaps a little sugar will give me the boost I need…I have this thing for powdered donuts – I always have – tasty little messy morsels that should have a slogan similar to Lays potato chips – you can’t eat just one!
OK… Back to the task at hand…writing…once my dad started getting into a routine, things seemed to start smoothing out – while every visit was still a learning experience, the days of him begging me to take him home soon faded and he actually seemed to start enjoying himself! For a fairly small guy, I have no idea where he put all the food…as difficult as it was to get him to eat before the move, he actually started looking forward to meals and always had an appetite for dessert.
I have to tell ya, I quickly developed a deep appreciation for caregivers – I was so thankful my dad had the foresight to purchase a long-term care policy. Assisted living facilities are costly and would otherwise drain savings in no time. Even if I didn’t have a full-time job, I still can’t imagine taking on the responsibility of daily care. It was far more than general oversight – it was very much like having an adult sized toddler that was regressing on a daily basis.
it was truly a blessing to have my dad nearby so that I could zip over to visit on my way to work or on my way home. Some days…especially rough days, I could peek in on him – that little bit of reassurance he was ok did wonders for my spirits! Ever so slowly, the overwhelming emotions began to even out…just in time for the tide to turn…
I started following along with Stepahnie Ackerman’s Documented Faith in late June. I love the concept! I know I’ve shared I for before, but here’s my take: it’s an effort to focus on God’s Word in manageable, bite-sized chunks…one word each month accompanied by weekly scripture relating to that word. Simple, manageable, memorable.
So I’ve been practicing… practicing by writing consistently… something I haven’t been successful with in the past. And writing in bite-size pieces versus the entire buffet of my life. When I committed to #write31days, something I wasn’t aware of was that I limited myself to two handwritten pages per day…bite-sized pieces…manageable vulnerability. Usually I make things more complicated, but it seems this decision is actually turning out well!
My focus is on God and how He is consistently working in my life, through me…to reveal Himself to me. When I slow down to take one step at a time, the mountain isn’t so big, the task at hand isn’t so overwhelming and Matthew 6:32-34 takes on a deeper meaning.
32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.
I’m so glad you’re joining me on this journey! While I have no idea who these words are for or how they may help, I know this process isn’t all about me.
While going back through the weeks leading up to my dad’s move wasn’t the same tumultuous roller coaster of emotions as it was the first go-round, it still had a bit of a sting…however, writing one small piece at a time helps make the memories less overwhelming. There’s a part of me that wishes I’d been able to write during this timeframe, but I couldn’t – being honest, I was barely hanging on…I felt like I had a fingernail’s grasp over the daily chaos and if I slowed down to process emotions through writing, I might fall apart. I was trying, but not completely trusting God to see me through this storm.
And as hard as these days were, it was only the beginning and I’m truly thankful I didn’t have a clue just how much harder the days would become.
Can you believe we’re almost to the middle of the month? I’m not sure which surprises me most: that I’ve written for 12 consecutive days or that the days are truly flying by!
So today I wrote about the actual day my dad moved into assisted living. Although I’d known people in the past whose parents moved to assisted living, I had no true appreciation of the mental toll it can take… and maybe it’s not like that for everyone. Maybe I made things harder on myself…by creating unrealistic expectations for myself I could never meet…
Thankfully, I had friends praying over the situation with my dad and I was trusting God as best I could to see us through…and He did. Was it hard? Yes. Was it painful? Absolutely. Did I grow? By leaps and bounds!
Great article by Sue Carroll at 1 ArtHouse!
You Were Made for More
Source: We were made for more…