Construction Zone – Yield Ahead…

Still catching up on blogs!

Jan 2, 2012

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7 (NIV)

Following my last entry about God’s faithfulness, I had a deeper revelation about my old thoughts of being ‘enough’ – rejection – acceptance… it’s okay to be weak when I have God…HE IS MY STRENGTH!

As I laid my head on the pillow that night, tears flowed as I surrendered yet another part of myself to Him.  I may not be at a place of complete surrender – yet – actually, I may not realize all the parts of me I’m holding back – so much has been suppressed and buried for so long it’s difficult to know how much more there is to be revealed.

I am certain, however, God will reveal the hidden pieces of heart as I continue to seek Him.  Day by day, He is refining me, calling me closer to Him.

The best part of change is when we (me!) think it’s our idea! Here’s a good one:  last year I had an idea to save money (at least that’s what I thought!)…I have always tried to control my hair – it’s curly and unruly – the more there is, the wilder it is!  For the past 20+ years I have kept it short and even went so far as to have it chemically treated in an attempt  to control the curls.  And then there’s hair coloring – or what I called camouflage – how telling is that????  Now, I’m not saying there is a right or wrong way to manage hair…and yes, I’m aware of varying beliefs – that’s between you and God.  For me, it was the underlying issue needing attention – the issue of control.

God is slowly teaching me it’s a lot of work to be something / someone He hasn’t designed me to be and hair is just the tip of the control iceberg.  He’s also teaching me I can’t really move forward until I have purged the past.

I receive a newsletter from Be in Health and there’s a series on Personality Mis-Profiles – I read one titled “Fabricated Personalities” – I couldn’t help but wonder if it was describing me.  Am I driven by perfection as a way to preserve some sort of identity?  Have I not made allowances for weakness or failure?  What defense mechanisms have I put in place to accommodate things I have difficulty facing?  Ouch.

Of course I want to move forward, but as ridiculous as it may sound, I can’t help but wonder if there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe God is moving me in the right direction…  OR is it more likely a part of me has decided the direction and I’m trying to fit God into the equation?

In my mind to move forward – to marry, leave the corporate world, etc., means I have to sell the house, which if that’s what I’m supposed to do, I have to get it on the market.  To get the house on the market, I have to get it market-ready.  To get the house market-ready, I have to clean out the clutter…

Could it be my hesitancy has nothing to do with de-cluttering my physical house, but actually my spiritual house?  Am I ready to yield my will to His?  It’s my choice – will I choose to rest in His grace and mercy or will I keep trying to be someone other than who He intends for me to be?

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