Passive Restraint

God is the divine conductor – the way He orchestrates events so perfectly leaves me speechless! I attended a service that began with the pastor saying something like “This morning God said, ‘Don’t restrain Me’” – of course it makes sense he was saying not to hold back on the message, but how often do we restrain God in our daily lives? How often do we hold Him back?

The pastor began the message with headlines about a scandal at Penn State – I don’t have the details, but it was centered around charges of sexual abuse – shock waves of horror spread across the media as the story unfolded. Why does it seem at times it takes national headlines for us to take a closer or different look at issues in our own back yard?

Although the message initially centered around physical abuse, it quickly expanded to all types of abuse…physical – verbal – emotional – neglect – abandonment – the works…

For me, the real message wasn’t about a specific event – it was about spiritual fallout – what happens when you hold on so tightly to past hurts – what happens when you restrain God.

At first, as I was listening to the message, I thought to myself, “wow – I know a lot of people who should be hearing this message” – little did I realize, God was speaking directly to me – He’d been clever though – He disguised the message in such a way as to not let me be fully aware He was speaking to me – He’d been giving me time to lower my defenses (yes, even from God).

I began to open my heart to the words as the pastor talked about neglect and abandonment as forms of abuse – that it wasn’t something I did or didn’t do to cause the seemingly unfortunate events to occur in my life. Now granted, I’d heard and spoken these very words numerous times before…but they never pierced through my carefully constructed armor of defense.

It was a message trying to sink in for several months – perhaps years… “If God allowed it, then there HAS to be a bigger purpose” – after all, if I truly believe His Word, then I know He causes ALL things – not some things – not certain things – not just the warm and fuzzy things, but ALL things to work together for good

28And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. 29For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified. 31What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? 32He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things? – Romans 8:28-32 (KJV)

The emotional baggage I carried around for most of my childhood and my entire adult life was the idea of not being enough – if I were only better, then event a, b, c, etc. wouldn’t have happened – and the enemy capitalized on my crippling feelings resurfacing over and over again. Just a couple of days before, I was in the pit again – the enemy used the same crack in my armor he’s used so many times before “well…you must not be good enough…”

You see, the enemy uses negative events in my life because in some form or fashion unconsciously I believe I deserve the hurts. At the end of the day, I’m unwilling to allow God to heal me – in other words, I RESTRAIN God! Even though I thought I’d given it – surrendered those hurts to God, I still hold on – I attach strings to my own surrender and it’s clear God doesn’t heal that way.

At the end of the message, there was an altar call – that day I was eager – I was one of the first to go down – I was sick and tired of holding on to the past – even as I was at the altar, the pastor kept digging – he brought up every situation/event when I was cut the deepest in life – it was as if God had a megaphone and was saying, “Celeta Carr! Celeta Carr! I need ALL of you down here!”

Hard as it may be to believe, even at that point I was still holding on – through praise – through individual prayers for others – there was a part of me still checking off a list and ready to move on to the next item….then a couple came to me and started praying – I have no idea what they said – what I heard was God saying,

“You can give it to me, Celeta – I AM ENOUGH”

The healing power I received in that moment buckled my knees and emptied my heart of the poison festering for so many years. There was no checklist – there was no control – there was only an overwhelming sense of love, relief, and peace I can’t adequately express with words.

As I left the church that day and got into the car, I put on my seat belt – when I heard the “click” of the buckle, it clicked in my head – I had a distinct visual: Don’t put a seatbelt on God – don’t restrain Him. Each time I attach a seatbelt to God and put on the brakes of life – of surrender – of trust, I’m holding Him back in ways I can’t possibly imagine.

That day God had to get me to the end of myself – like Elijah – to get me to the place where I said, “Here – take it – fight the battle for me Lord” – and allow His unfailing love to heal. The challenge ahead is whether I rest in His healing – or whether I scramble to find something else to hold onto… other than Him.

As hard as we may try, we can’t heal ourselves – no 12-step program will complete the healing process – the best it can do is lead us to the cross – lead us to the one true healer.



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Intimate Details

In the accounting world, the month following a calendar quarter is pretty busy…lots of numbers to crunch, reports to file….all sorts of bean counter “stuff”…

As I was knee deep in the hustle and bustle of things, one morning Doug asked about some of my activities; without hesitation I launched into a dissertation on the nuances of analyses, complexities of variables, and target audiences…sounds exciting, right? Okay – perhaps not, but apparently I was motivated to share!

Later that evening, Doug said something that struck a nerve – it wasn’t meant (or taken) as hurtful, yet it cut to the quick all the same and I wasn’t exactly sure why…he said something along the lines of “You should have heard yourself this morning – sharing all the details of your work – the excitement and passion in your voice…I couldn’t help but think, ‘Wow, I wish she was that interested in me.’

In my last blog I wrote about how interested G_d is in the details of our lives…so much that He will reinforce lessons with additional materials when needed – my example was about stepping into my calling and how within a matter of hours, G_d provided multiple examples of how others struggled with the same issues and how He saw them through.

I went on to write about “choosing to seek Him daily by digging into His Word and living to exhibit a genuine level of passion for Him far exceeding any worldly interests.” – looks great on cyber paper doesn’t it? It begs a question though, “am I doing it?” Well…to be perfectly honest, no – not compeletely anyway. Granted, we all have room for growth – however, I can’t help but wonder if G_d ever looks at my life and thinks, “Wow, I wish she was that interested in me.”

You see, when I draw parallels to my everyday life, my work life in particular, I see an individual fully committed – an individual willing to trust sources, put in the time needed to learn various applications, and exhibiting a genuine passion to share with others. Sound familiar? Yes indeed! You see, G_d is so committed to a relationship with each of us, He is willing to provide a customized program – aka our lives – G_d has no desire for a cookie-cutter body of believers – He designed each of us uniquely and has a deep desire to direct the steps of our personal parade so we can better relate to Him and in turn, relate Him to others.