November 30, 2009
This is a holiday I won’t soon forget! I enjoyed the week off – for some reason I decided to clean out filing cabinets – I’ve kept more paper than I care to think about…while I was sorting stuff into KEEP, SHRED, and TRASH piles, I came across a note to myself – written exactly 15yrs ago to the day – imagine that! The thing that stood out to me was an acknowledgement that (a) I don’t need to be responsible for everyone, (b) it’s so hard for me to let people get close, and (c) I need a personal relationship with God. The thing is…if the personal relationship with God doesn’t exist, then how on earth could I possibly learn to try and stop controlling everything around me?
AND…on top of that little insight, I visited w/family on Thanksgiving – I’m not talking about the superficial hooplah – it was a real conversation that revealed others struggle with the very same challenges I face daily. I heard over and over and over, “I did …” or “I need to fix…” it was I, I, I, I, I….and I was pleasantly surprised that I recognized it – I didn’t feel compelled to offer my opinion or solution or whatever garbage might spill out! Instead I readily admitted I don’t have the answers and that although I share the same struggles my focus hasn’t been so munch on coming up with my own solution as leaning towards the one who has the real answers. I wonder if 15yrs from now I will see clarity in these words?
Oh, that’s not all…it was a busy holiday…Saturday afternoon I received a phone call my dad had been in a serious accident and an ambulance was on the way. I was approx. hrs away, but immediately started heading in that direction. Of course I was concerned about my dad’s well-being, but as I drove I found myself feeling so frustrated that my plans had been disrupted and other family members didn’t drop everything and go to my dad’s aid – SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH I know…I wasn’t the only family member en route – it was just the person I wanted to go didn’t even offer. Silly, isn’t it? Was it true selfishness or displaced fear about my dad? Or both?
Fortunately, it only took God a day to gently remind me (yes, again!) I’m not the one in control. My dad? Flipped the truck two times and walked away with a scrape on his head – oh yes, he’s 80! Almost everyone can recognize a miracle. I’m a puzzle-solver – I know God is teaching me something in particular and I don’t quite get it…yet…maybe it’s that trust thing again…and there’s something about acceptance that isn’t quite clear either…more on that later.